But that’s not the whole point of this post! I want to say thank you to everyone!! =)

First off, I want to thank my mommy and daddy for taking care of me for 18 years. You guys have raised me up to be a wonderful woman I am today! And thank you for all your words of motivation.

Second, I want to thank my sisters. You guys have taught me a lot and you put a lot of support into what I want to do! thank you!

My brothers. Though you guys haven’t done much for me, you two have taken care of me pretty well. At least you know how to worry about me, then I’m great!

To my cousins that have made a huge impact in my life! I’ll miss everyone. I’ll miss hanging with everyone! Most of all, I’ll miss having all the fun times together.

To my teachers, you people love me! Even though I was a super quiet kid!

To Melissa, OMG! I’m going to miss you A LOT!

To my best friend, MAI SEE! You bitch! ARGH! Hahah. I can’t believe we’ll be together!! I hope you stay with me and so we can graduate together! OKAY! If not, then I’ll personally send you a invitation to my funeral! Yes, this is a threat! Take it seriously!

To Maizoua! We’ve gone through so much together! I can’t thank you enough! You’ve taught me so much! Thanks for always be there for me. Thanks for listening to me jabber about my life, when I know, you want to go on with your own! But what I know is that I’m an important person to you, Am I? I better me! =) I Love You Mai! And I’ll never forget all the things you have taught me through this lifetime! =)

To Chong! OMG! COLLEGE STUDENT! Holy shit! I’ll hardly see you anymore! I can’t believe that! But I’ll call you when I can! Just to say hi and see what’s up and see how school is! You know, what we use to do! =) Don’t ignore me though!! I’m going to miss all the times we had together and all the great things we did. GOOD LUCK to you! =)

To Kong! I’ll write! And I’ll miss you too! Even though I already do! =)

To Grandma! Kuv Poj! I’m going so far away from you! I’ll come home as much as I can, just to visit you! Thank you for all the things you have taught me! Thank you for everything you have done! And thank you for all the encouragement you have given me! =)

And last but not least, Ricky! You’ve taught me a lot about myself the last month! And I’m glad I gotten to know you more within the last two years! I’m thankful for everything that you have done for me! I’m glad that I can actually cry in front of you! So be happy! =)

And yes, thanks to everyone else!

I’m so HAPPY! But at the same time, I’m so nervous! =)

To Mai See, I feel bad that I have told you all those things. I know that our friendship means a lot of the both of us, but there are just some things that are needed to be said, and I can’t always keep things inside all that much. I know that I have said some things that was harsh and hard to get, but in a way, I’m glad you understand. Even though I have said all of these things, just take them as a way of getting to know each other more. I hope we can start everything all over again, if that’s okay with you. I hope we can have a new start at the beginning of the school year. I am really looking forward to go to school with you and I’m looking forward for you being there with me until the end. I don’t want you to go to some other school. We’ve departed long enough, and we’re just wanted to explore the world a little more. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this in person. I wanted to tell you dearly in person, but when you said you couldn’t hang out, I just pretty much just got pissed. I didn’t mean to really, but I knew I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I’m also sorry for keeping it from you for so long. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you everything. I mean, we both have our own lives to life and we have our own worries. So don’t worry, because no matter what, I wish to be there until the end with you. I know that I may have hurted your feelings, and all but I don’t want you to start ignoring me and over thinking everything. I mean, if there is something you have always wanted to tell me, go ahead, it takes a load off your shoulder! I don’t want to be a burden to your life. I just want us to be friends. Best friends. =) Okay. I haven’t talked to you for a while, and I know you are busy yourself, but I just want to tell you, talk to me as though nothing was ever said. Talk to me like we’ve first met. Talk to me like we have no drama in our lives. Talk to me without worrying what I’m thinking. Talk to me the way you have always done it! Okay? I lah you mach! And you shouldn’t worry about me okay!!

To Maizoua. I guess you’ve learned a lot about me after reading what I have wrote. But I guess it’s the way life goes. Ever since I have said all of that, I have become a different person. Not for you, not for my family, not for my friends, but for myself. I’m sorry if I have said anything wrong. I’m sorry for always talking so negative about myself. I’m sorry for making it sound like death is coming to me soon and that I don’t give a damn about life. Personally, those things means a lot to me. Even though I am a very slow learner about life, I’ll come to the point where I’ll understand it more and more. I really think I need theropy now! =) But it’s okay! You’re already a great theropist to me. Like I have told you the other day, no matter what, just show me that smile of yours and I guarantee you, it’ll brighten my day and make it better! With your smile, I can’t ever help but smile back. You’re the person I look up to. You’re the person that has made the biggest impact in my life. I always feel that without you, I’ll never be who I am today. With you, I feel as though my life is all but better. Your words, your laughter, your smile, and your presence, makes me feel like I can become someone. I’m sorry for all my negative thoughts, and I’m sorry for talking about death like it’s nothing. But I want to thank you for showing me a path, where I can look back on and say that you’ve helped me become a new person. You showed me a lot this past month, and I’ll remember it forever! Thank You! =) You tell me to not worry, I won’t worry! =)

To Ricky. I feel bad crying in front of you still! I mean, I shouldn’t, but I do! =) I mean, it was really hard keeping it in. But than again, June was the month of tears for me! But than again, thanks for being so….err.. I don’t want to say great. But… wonderful! =) And like I said to mai, you tell me not to worry, I won’t worry! =)

Now you ask me who I am sorry to! I’m not sorry to Ricky, because I’ve been telling him that for the pass month. I’m not sorry to Maizoua because she’s taught me so much. I’m not sorry to Mai See because she’s my best friend. I’m not sorry to my family, because they’ll always be there. I’m not sorry to my friends to because they never did anything wrong. I’m not sorry to anyone. I am sorry to MYSELF. I’m sorry to myself because I feel that I have done so many horrible things to myself that I know I should have never done. There are many things that I am truly regretting because I have done it. I’ve resent so many things I can’t even keep count anymore. I’m sorry to myself because I have come to a point that the person you should apologize to at the end of everything is yourself. You’ve put yourself through so much you can’t seem to ever understand why you had done such a thing. But, I believe that after saying that I have said, I have taken a load off my shoulder! I feel completely different. I feel like a new person! Though I am kind of ignorning a few people right now, I know that no matter what, I’ll get over it! Hrmm. Just a heads up, you’ll probably see me with a smile on every time you see me, because I’m happy with the new me! I’m still the same old Joua, but I’m just a different person! =) I don’t get what I said, but okay! =)

Oh yeah… HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!! =)

I thought I could never shed another tear again, but here goes the water works. I’m not sorry. I’m not thankful. I’m just giving up. What’s there to apologize or be thankful for. I’ve lived each day thinking I can be happy. Well, I guess it’s already too late. I GIVE UP. I don’t want to do this anymore!

This pass week, I’ve been worked up, because I’ve been wondering how I’ll react to my best friend when I told her how I feel. But then again, no matter how many times I want to hang out with her, she’s always busy. I know she’s busy with work, family and all those other things. I just don’t know anymore. I want to so much, spend time with her before school starts. I don’t know anymore.

I think the only thing I’m doing is giving up on spending time with people! I mean, people don’t even want to come all the way over here to fucken visit me, why should I do the same and go over there. I was willing to do anything willingly, but now I can’t stand it anymore. I know that I live far from the cities, and that you don’t want to drive all the way over here. And you think I’ll take my fucken precious time and drive all the way over there too! FUCK NO!! I quit. If you want to hang out with me, you better get your ass over her yourself. I’m not making anymore plans with anymore! I’m not making anymore dinner, lunch or breakfast date with anymore. I’m not doing anything anymore for anyone! If you want to talk to me, you know my number, I’m always on MSN, and know what, I’ll be home if you want to visit me. I’m not going to drive some 20 fucken miles just to come and visit you because you want to fucken hang out with me. I want to hang out with you and I come down. But when you want to hang out with me, you expect me to come all the fucken way down there! FUCK NO! I’m not doing it anymore!

When I want to spend time with you, I fucken give you two or three week notice. Yeah, I know I do some things at the last minute, and I know you all hate that shit, but I can careless. I hate it myself. If you don’t want to take a forty five minutes drive to come and visit me then this is the end. I mean, what the fuck! If you don’t fucken want to come visit me this far out, why do I want to visit you all the way over there! That’s right, I don’t care anymore!

And Ricky, if you read this, yeah, I’m cancelling our Lunch date! Aren’t you happy? That’s good! Should I be sorry? I don’t know? I don’t know anymore. I’m probably just going to… well… whatever! Maybe I’ll tell you whenever I talk to you. =)

But no worry Chong, we’re still have our thing! =) I’ll never take you out of my life. =)

So yeah. And MAI SEE, this is out to you. I’ll probably never plan anything with you, and I have my reasons why. What I wrote above it part of the reason, but hey, what more should I say? I’m just pretty much fed up. Let me live my life according to what I want.

So, what’s I’ve been stressing over the pass two weeks is that, well. How do I put this in words? I don’t know how to bring this to something you can understand. I don’t really care what you think. I mean, you’ll feel sorry for me. You’ll start worrying and hey, who knows, you’ll even start the water works with me, but I don’t really care much. I mean, for the past five years, I’ve shed at least one day of tears for you. Why? Well, maybe I’m doubting our friendship.

Mai See, you’re like a friend I thankful for. You’re a friend I can always turn to when I have worries. You’re that person that I can always turn to when I have problems. But sometimes, I can’t always turn to you. You remember that little side note I had on myspace? The one where I said I’ll tell you everything when the time is right? Remember? Well, it’s time. I have no other way of telling you this. I’d call you, but you probably ignore me. I want to hang out with you but you’re probably going to be busy. So, let me just write it in here. Maybe, you can read it.

Never once, in my life, have I ever doubted our friendship. You’re the only one, that has showed me the real meaning of it. But then again, I don’t even know if it’s true anymore. I don’t even know if what I say will get through to you or not. But what I do know, is that of today, I don’t know where this is going to take us.

Truly, I wasn’t very happy the first time I heard that you were attention Duluth. But, I was happy you were going. I thought, it maybe give us a chance to get to know each other better. I’m happy for that. But truly, the reason, I choose Duluth, was not only did they accept me and get me into the program that I wanted, but it was to get away from everyone. I wanted to get away from all of this. I didn’t want this anymore. I didn’t want to feel so much pain, that I am feeling right now. Actually, I wanted to get away from you too. I wanted to see how our friendship will be if we live farther apart. I’m not telling you to go your own way and I’m not telling you to go to another school. I’m just telling you things I think you should know. You should know me by now that I am a very open minded person. I say things without realizing and when I tell you things, I tell them straight up.

And I believe that over the pass few years, we haven’t gotten along as well. But I don’t really mind. But I guess I’ll just cut to the chase. I feel that you aren’t as true to me as I am to you. I mean, you don’t tell me things that I would like to hear. Sometimes, I think you lie to me, wanting me to believe that you are truly fine and that you have no worries whatsoever. I know you have your own things and what not, but I feel that you don’t share as much things with me as I share with you. Sometimes, I don’t think you have enough trust on me. Yes, I envy other people sometimes because you tell them so much more things then you ever tell me. And it hurts me. It hurts me to the point that I just want to run away from all of this and not care about it anymore. And there are so many times that I wanted to force everything out of you. But by now, you should know I’ll never do that. Though i really want to, I just don’t know anymore.

And you wanted to know the reason why I believe that you and Ricky shouldn’t date. I know that you two have already made the decision a long time ago, and what not. But you really wanted to know. And I thought it was time. Mai See, I love you no matter what. And you should know that I am a person that judge people quickly. And you, I did it quick as well. I told myself that I’ll never judge my friends, but with you, I had to. Ricky is someone that I love and care a lot about. Even though I’ve gotten close to him for the pass four years, I don’t really know him all that well, but I know him well enough to say that I will protect him. Like I said to him, I don’t want to be in the way of your relationship, if you two decide to one day, date. Don’t think about the family or anything. Espically me. Don’t let me get in the way of all of this, because I don’t want to. Though at first, I’ll be shock about the result, I won’t be happy about the decision. But truly, don’t let me feelings get in the way of what you two want. I don’t want to be the one that tears you two apart. And I don’t want to be in the way of anything you two do together. I’ll tell you straight up, that I’ll probably look happy on the outside, I’ll never look happy on the inside. because to me, I think it is wrong. I love you because you are my best friend and the only one that I have called a best friend. And Ricky, on the other hand is my cousin and he is family. And family always comes first. With you, I treat you like family. I practically introduced you to my family and they know you well as my best friend. And you can read more on my thoughts on this… “I’m Sorry Ricky” Something like that, look to the right.

And, well. the week I took time off. The week I took a few days of sleep. That’s probably what you really want to know about the most. Well, that week, was the week I felt most heart broken. I thought back five years ago to that guy that I practically fell in love with. You remember him. The guy, I don’t speak a name of. Well, that week, was the week that I had so many worries. I shed tears for two days straight. It was not only over him but of everyone else too. And I cried because it really hurted me. I mean, after five years it actually started hurting. I felt so much pain that I didn’t want to live anymore. So much pain that I regretted everything. So much pain, that it made me wish I accepted. And that week, I turned to Maizoua. I guess I was scared to turn to you because, I didn’t want to add more weight then there already is on you. I just wanted to pretend that everything is okay. But oh wells. So yeah. Cried two days straight, and I’m completely over him! =) I think about him here and there, but I’ve moved on.

Please, don’t take these as me telling you to stop being apart of my life, because I love you truly. And without you, I’ll probably wouldn’t be where I am today. Without you, I probably would have more drama in my life. And without you, I wouldn’t have friend to call on. Without you, I’ll be no one. These are only my thoughts on what I feel and think. I’m not telling you to do whatever I say. Everything I say, because I feel a lot of pain. I say whatever I say because this is me and this is who I’ll always be.

PLEASE DON’T HATE ME!!

=)

I was super happy this morning!

Now I’m not!

KILL ME PLEASE! I said, fucken kill me! Let me be the bitch that I was and fuck the world over!!! LET ME AT IT!! If one day I had the world in my hand I’m going to crush it into millions of pieces, then put it in a blender and mix it up good and drink it down! That’s what I’ll do.  Fuck the world. Fuck everyone! I hate you all!

Eat shit and die you mother fuckers! I can truly careless about what happens to anyone right not! I don’t give a shit anymore!! Fucken DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKER!! I hope you all die and never be reborn! hope you all die and go down in some place call HELL! Fuck off!

I hate everyone! No one hates me, but I hate everyone! FUCK THAT!

I have one last thing to say! I DO NOT CARE FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE! Can’t I just fucken take a knife and shove it through my throat! And fucken die!! Damn fucked up piece of SHIT!

GO DIE! damn bitches! BLAH!

LOOK AT ME!! I’m so happy! Look at this smile! It’s REAL! Holy shit! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah Don’t you people just love me! i think I’m going to cry! OMG! I feel so proud of myself! hahahahahahahahahaha

What more can I say! hahaha. NOTHING MORE!

BOOYA!!

I, Joua Vang, MISS BOO! I lah you Boo! I miss Boo! And I love Boo!! =) A picture of my LOVER! Isn’t he just the cutest little thing! =)  Yes, that’s him up there!!  awe.. =)

So i was laying on my bed a while ago and my whole right side hurt! I’m not sure why I’m having a migraine, but it’s hurting…

My right eye hurts. Mostly the right front side of my head hurts. I think I have cancer! LMAO! kidding. I don’t. But it doesn’t hurt to know! I should go in for a check up or something. I mean,  it doesn’t hurt to see if i do. And i want to see if i have HIV or AIDs. I’m one of those HEALTHY people who doesn’t get sick easily! =)

That’s all I have to say! I just thought I write something because it’s been a few days! =)

I have found something out the pass few days. I have found out that I’m trying to become someone that I love and care a lot about. I don’t know how eveything came to be, but I just found it out. I found out that I’m trying to be like Him. Smile with no worries. Be calm as a bee. Smile like everything is fine. Talk randomly and think that what comes out, makes sense. That’s right, I want to be like Rick. I’m sorry! I guess that’s why I’ve been so overacting the pass few weeks. I guess I just want to be happy. Tell myself that I don’t need to worry about anything. Whatever comes my way, comes. Nothing can change. Whatever happens, happens. I’m sorry I had to say it, but I just thought that it was so true! I guess, that’s why now, I have came back to the person I was at first. I’ve stopped trying to be you, and I started being myself again. I found out that just because you’re a great guy, you smile regular, and you do nothing, without a doubt, truthfully, deep inside, you’re just like everyone else. You have your time. You have your way of handling things. And you… well, you know how to get away with things that bother you.

I have learned my lesson. I’m back to who I was before, and I’ll probably never change it! I’ll ba happy at my own will. I’ll smile a fake one if I have to. I’ll force one just to make you happy. I don’t know. Life is a bitch. I hate the world. And I can careless about the people I love right now. Because, right now, I can only care about myself, because I worry myself the most. I’ll probably die in the next few days, and you’ll probably be worried sick. I mean, if I die, it’s not like you’ll think of me everyday. You’ll probably say this and that, the first two weeks or so. Then think about me every other day. Then you’ll move on to once a week. To once every other week. Then once a month. Then who knows, you’ll probably end up remembering me at least twice a year or something. I’ve made very little impact on peoples lives. I’ve never intended to make a big impact, because, well, I guess I just want to be forgotten. I guess I just want to be happy alone. Then again, I won’t care much. I’ll probably end up doing the same to you, when you die.

You’re asking why I’m talking about death, well, let’s put it this way, I want to die. I hate life. I can careless about what happens to me. I won’t sit around, cutting myself. Sit around, finding ways to commit suicide. I won’t sit around, with a knife in my hand and tell myself I’m going to die. Remember, and remember this good. When I say, “I WANT TO DIE” Take it as, I want to die from you. I want to die from your thoughts, from your memories, from everything. I want to die from your life. In other words, I don’t want to take part in your life. I don’t want to make an impact. I don’t want to spread anymore memories.

I know that a bunch of people care for me. And I know that a lot of people worry about me. And all that I have to ask of them is, please stop. I don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. I don’t want to be a person that gets in the way of everything. I just want to be the bystander that everyone wonders about and then forgets.

I want to be free as the bird. I want to fly with the birds. I want to cry in the rain. I want to hide in a dark cave. I want to hear nothing but the crickets making beautiful music. All I want, is to be FREE!

I’m fucked! And I can careless! I’ve fucked myself over! =)

THE END!!

I found out today that my smile isn’t as real as it seem. Have I been faking it this whole time? Was I never happy? Somehow, this fake smile, has gotten me this far. Making me think that everything is fine. that I don’t have to worry about anything.  I thought that my talk with CP, was fine. I thought that it cleared everything up. But I guess it hasn’t. I don’t know. I just think that I haven’t gotten anywhere. Maybe I should go back to bed. Sleep for a few MORE days, then maybe, if I think it’s the right time, I’ll return. Maybe I should just go sit in my room, cry some tears, and see where that takes me. But this isn’t really what I want to do. I want to talk it out, but I don’t know what is bothering me.

I want to know what is BOTHERING ME!

I’m sorry Mai. I’m sorry Rick. I’m sorry EVERYBODY!